Today, we’ve got the first ever Cressey Performance Intern Hazing Poll.  Here’s how it works….

Posted below are three videos of our interns getting dominated by a delightful assortment of torturous exercises.  We really didn’t expect them to look good doing this, but hey, that’s the whole point, right?  Anyway, you, the readers of EricCressey.com get to rank the interns from 1 to 3 (1=first place, 2=second place, 3=third place) based on the following criteria:

1. Artistic Mastery
2. Fashion (nice shoes, Roger)
3. Proximity to Vomiting
4. Time to Completion
5. Number of breaks in action
6. Inferiority to Mike Roncarati, the most diesel CP intern of all time, who could eat these kiddies for breakfast (way to be, Mike!)
7. Inspiration (someone out there was having a bad day until they watched these videos and realized that things could have been a lot worse).

Voting will be closed Monday night, June 15th at midnight.  The winner really won’t receive anything, but futility is really the name of the game anyway.  Oh, feel free to suggest some torture for next Thursday for these guys.

Without further ado, the candidates:

Candidate #1: Phil “The Thrill” Gauthier

EC Commentary: He plays the grunting card nicely.  Good speed…compared with a 12-year-old girl’s performance on this medley.  Push-up technique was probably the best of the bunch, although I don’t think it’s going to get him any Cirque Du Soleil tryouts.

Candidate #2: Alex Nash “and Burn”

EC Commentary: Admittedly, I was stretching out one of our pitchers while he was doing this, so I’m shooting from the hip on his on-camera presence rather than relying on my experience on Thursday.  Eyewitnesses reported that he demonstrated the worst push-ups in CP history.  I would have liked to see a jog back to the sled after finishing the overhead keg lunges, too.  I will give him some credit for not losing his breakfast, as the omelet and oatmeal was flying after pushing the sled last week.

Candidate #3: Roger “Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun” Lawson

(Note: Roger took so long that the first camera’s battery died, and we had to rush to grab a second digital camera in the office.  There was a good two minutes of grunting, sweating, and weird spasm-like movement during this brief hiatus)

EC Commentary: Roger certainly took the grunting to a whole new level; in fact, was he crying at one point?  I think I actually heard him blurt out, “My mother didn’t love me, and I never learned to read!”  I can’t be sure, though.  I’ll give him some style points for managing to get caught in the batting cage net like a tuna; that was graceful.  He also earned some drama points for the repeated collapses on the keg lunges, not to mention an artistic mastery bonus with the swift sniper roll during the sled-to-keg transition.

So what do you think, world?  Cast your votes as replies to this blog, ranking these guys from 1 to 3 (1 being the best).  And, don’t forget to suggest some torture for Installment 3.