Fun with Hugo

Written on January 8, 2008 at 5:24 pm, by Eric Cressey

We’re back with somewhat of an off-color newsletter this week.  Although it’s a bit lengthier than my typical newsletters, I think you’ll all still enjoy it – especially since it culminates with a special offer.

The Sturdy Shoulder Seminar Update

Just a reminder that the early reistration deadline for our first seminar at Excel Sport and Fitness in Waltham, MA is this Saturday, October 14th.  Right now, in addition to a strong local contingent, we have attendees coming from Canada, Louisiana, Washington, D.C., Pennsylvania, NY/NJ, and all over New England.  It will be more than just a great educational experience; it will be a great networking event, too.  Many of the attendees are accomplished strength and conditioning coaches at the collegiate and professional levels.  Don’t miss out; email ec@ericcressey.com for a registration brochure.

One Last Reminder for the Re-Opt-In

As I’ve mentioned in the past two newsletters, we’re on the brink of switching our newsletter over to a new server.  If you haven’t already done so, please send an email to ecressey-178309@autocontactor.com to ensure that you will continue to receive our newsletter updates.  We’ll officially be making the switch this week.

Fun with Fan Mail

Being an internet writer isn’t much different than being a waiter, if you really think about it. Most of the time, people enjoy your food (articles), and everyone’s happy. Occasionally, though, steaks get burned (people don’t like your topic), or drinks get spilled (people don’t like you), and you get bad feedback. However, where these two occupations markedly differ is that waiters don’t typically get customers (readers) who like to stand outside the restaurant and relentlessly berate them because the wine was room temperature when it was supposed to be slightly chilled.

The internet changes all of that, though; writers are all easily accessible, and people are far more likely to act inappropriately in the emails they write than they would in person. I have the good fortune of having one “fan” who likes to do just that. To protect his identity, for the sake of this article, upon Mike Boyle’s stellar recommendation, we’ll just call him Hugo Faulkurself.

Back in early November of 2005, I published an article at T-Nation called 10 Uses for a Smith Machine.  The main gist of the article was that Smith machines are about as useful as a condom at the Vatican. However, since we know they’re perpetually going to occupy part of the space at almost every gym we encounter, I offered ten tips – from hurdle drills, to suspended extensions, to bench throws – for actually putting these overpriced coat racks to decent use. At the time, the article was very well received.

Then, in late January, an irritated Hugo Faulkurself bumped up the article discussion in defense of the Smith machine, and in spite of my willingness to response to his inquiries professionally on the thread, he chose to send me the following email (left unedited in order to maintain the effect):

Eric,

You don’t know what you are talking about. If you knew who invented the smith machine and why it was invented then you would understand how great this machine can be. Unfortunately, closed minded people such as yourself always go against exercises that work. Who are you? I have read some of your articles and must say that you are an arrogant, pompous, egotistical, sarcastic book smart kid. Big deal so you have power lifted 340 on bench and 500 on squat. When I was 18 years old I benched 400 pounds, squated 650 at 163lbs (natural). I got bored with power lifting. I started body building and now I know more about body building than you will ever know. I am a natural athlete. I don’t take supplements. I eat right. You take a bunch of garbage that is found on the t-nation website. You should just take steroids because what you’re taking is very similiar. You are young and you have a terrible looking physique. YOU ARE NOT A BODYBUILDER!! So stop giving dumb advice to bodybuilders. Keep your stupid power lifting remarks to power lifters. You can continue to have your distended (1 pack) abs and skinny legs and skinny arms. Leave bodybuilding to me and my brothers. I am ripped to the bone 220 steroid and supplement free. I started lifting before you were born. I am tired of you young egotistical college brats thinking that you are god’s gift to the world. You are probably one of those kids who had some psychological insecurity and never could develop a good physique so you began power lifting to fill the insecure void. ANYONE CAN POWER LIFT. All the fat, big assed smooth as a bar of soap fellas resort to power lifting. All the power lifters I know all have big asses, blown out shoulders, cross syndromes, lumbar disc problems. IT takes a real man to body build. All you science boys mostly have terrible looking physiques. You slam coaches of being “old school” well son if we are supposed to train like you say then we will look like you, I will stick with old school methods thank you very much, because I don’t want to have a physique like yours. You can be a sarcastic bastard behind the computer. You are a good writer I will give you that but as far as your training advice you lack the knowledge of creating a great physique. Not everyone is playing on a sports team and you think that you have come up with this “new” type of training. You are just developing new ways because you don’t know how to really train. I trained with the best and we didin’t jump around like an idiot, we didn’t use rubber freaking bands, etc. If I wanted to train like that I would have joined the circus. Give me a break freaks like you are ruining the true essance of bodybuilding. Keep in mind I may be a genetic freak but I look way better than you at age 50. I have never had any injuries and I still compete. I have trained thousands of people and they all made great gains. I have used the smith machine and developed an incredible chest. You are young and are only book smart. You have no real life experience. Leave the bodybuiding to REAL Men. It must be a bummer having a genetically poor physique. I saw you at the holy cross seminar and was dissapointed that you looked liked a typical power lifter, no symmetry, no shape, just a big stomach and skinny legs.

HF

(initials changed to protect the hopelessly confused)

Once I had finished laughing and forwarded the email on to a few friends for their amusement, I ignored it. That is, until August 3, when I received an email from someone (claiming to be 24 instead of 50) with the same last name and a virtually identical email address. I suppose I’ve either upset the entire family, or my favorite fan has actually taken up different identities just to bust my chops over the internet. Damn, I feel important; Mom is going to be so proud of me.

It read (unedited, again):

Eric,

I noticed your website and will say that you have good writing skills and seem well versed in book knowledge, but what about experience. You can lift a lot of weight, but lifting heavy doesn’t really mean much if you are not a competitive power lifter. I was going to hire you to train me, however, I saw you at a current seminar and I must say I was rather surprised of your physique. All this time I pictured you as a ripped, bodybuilder type guy. To my surprise you were bulky and fat, over developed traps, imbalanced pecs to back proportion, distended abs, skinny legs. I guess that must be the look that power lifters must like. For me I am interested in having a bodybuilders physique. Do you know of anyone who bodybuilds that you could recommend that I get in touch with. I am not interested in power lifting, or functional training. I am 24 and haven’t played football in years and don’t want to train like a football player. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Good luck with the power lifting.

I’m seriously not making this stuff up, folks.

Four years ago, I would have been tempted to get into an internet pissing match with him. However, at the ripe ol’ age of 25, I’ve realized that the best way to win an argument is to avoid it, so I just ignored it…sort of.

You see, the thing about internet trolls is that they want you to fall into the trap of arguing with them. They know that it screws with your productivity and interferes with the important things in life. By arguing with them – or even replying to them – you give them exactly what they want: attention and the assurance that they’re getting under your skin. Isn’t that right, Hugo?

Well, I’m here to burst your bubble, Mr. Faulkurself. Your plan backfired; I’m using your emails to a) educate the masses, b) advance my career, and c) actually raise money for charity. How so? Read on.

Where Hugo is Missing the Boat

Let’s review Hugo’s comments of interest one-by-one:

1. “When I was 18 years old I benched 400 pounds, squated [sic] 650”

Lesson #1: If you want people to believe your fabricated internet PRs, you should never use even numbers like 400 and 650 – or the multiples you get with 45-pound plates (e.g., 315, 405, 495). If you were smart, you’d have said 402 and 644 – both kilogram equivalents. Likewise, you might have wanted to play it safe with your assertions, as those numbers would have made you one of the best 18 year-old 165s in history – and in an era that hadn’t seen today’s advances in supportive/assistive equipment.

Finally, for added emphasis, you should have followed up these statements with a few sentences about your beloved pet unicorn, and possibly some sort of explanation of why OJ was innocent.

2. “…at 163lbs (natural)”and “I am a natural athlete.” and “I am ripped to the bone 220 steroid and supplement free.”

Lesson #2: The number of times you mention that you are natural is inversely related to the likelihood of you actually being natural. This was Weider Principle #479, Hugo.

And you don’t even take Flintstone chewables?

3. “YOU ARE NOT A BODYBUILDER!!”

Lesson #3: Capitalizing something we all already know will not make your revelation seem any more significant.  I’m not a chaffeur, magician, protologist, or Latin American folk singer, either; what’s your point? And no, we haven’t forgotten that you’re natural yet.

4. “So stop giving dumb advice to bodybuilders.”

Lesson #4: Never call someone dumb when your allegation is grammatically incorrect. This is a dependent clause, Hugo; you would be better off using “You should” in place of “So.” Yes, irony is a bitch (and this is true irony, as it’s tragic how hopeless your punctuation is).

5. “I am tired of you young egotistical college brats thinking that you are god’s gift to the world.”

Lesson #5: You’re more likely to get God on your side if you capitalize his name. The big man upstairs is a proper noun, you know.

6. “You are probably one of those kids who had some psychological insecurity and never could develop a good physique so you began power lifting to fill the insecure void.”

Lesson #6: Typically, those with psychological insecurities about their physiques don’t take the initiative to deadlift over 600 pounds in just a wrestling singlet in front of a hundred or so people. Ever wonder why anorexics wear very baggy clothes?

7. “ANYONE CAN POWER LIFT.”

Lesson #7: Last time I checked, nobody has ever been refused from entering a bodybuilding show.  In fact, you’ve got MILLIONS of people around the world calling themselves bodybuilders even though they’ve never competed. Meanwhile, not everyone who does sets of one rep in training automatically becomes a powerlifter, so you could say that our discipline is a bit more exclusive. And didn’t we cover this all capital letters issue earlier?

8. “All the fat, big assed smooth as a bar of soap fellas resort to power lifting. All the power lifters I know all have big asses, blown out shoulders, cross syndromes, lumbar disc problems.”

Lesson #8: Generally speaking, having a big ass is a preventative measure against lower crossed syndrome, which is characterized by overactive hip flexors and hamstrings, with weak abdominals and glutes. And for the record, bodybuilders have a lot more shoulder impingement, patellar tendonosis, Achilles tendonosis, and IT band friction syndrome than do powerlifters.

9. “IT takes a real man to body build.”

Lesson #9: Everyone be sure to commit this quote to memory. Be sure to chant it to yourself during your next concentration curl drop set. Leave the 900-pound deadlifts for the sissies.

10. “You can be a sarcastic bastard behind the computer.”

Lesson #10: Yes, I can – especially when given great material like this.

11. “ If I wanted to train like that I would have joined the circus”.

Lesson #11: You’re in luck.  Being an internet troll automatically qualifies you to join the circus; you don’t even have to try out.

12. “Give me a break freaks like you are ruining the true essance [sic] of bodybuilding. Keep in mind I may be a genetic freak but I look way better than you at age 50. I have never had any injuries and I still compete.”

Lesson #12: Never call someone a freak after you’ve spent an entire email asserting that they’re mediocre-looking and genetically inferior – especially if you call yourself a freak in the following sentence in an attempt to impress others. On a semi-related note, don’t drink your tanning lotion, people.

13. “I have trained thousands of people and they all made great gains. I have used the smith machine and developed an incredible chest.”

Lesson #13: Your extraordinary success and that of your clients is inversely related to the amount of time and desire you have to harass people via email.

14. “Leave the bodybuiding [sic] to REAL Men.”

Lesson #14: Real men go to war for their country, help old ladies carry groceries, take their sons fishing, and call their mothers often. They also study up on the English language when they realize they’re writing at a third-grade level in spite of being 50 years old. You’re not as special as you think.

15. “It must be a bummer having a genetically poor physique. I saw you at the holy cross seminar and was dissapointed [sic] that you looked liked a typical power lifter, no symmetry, no shape, just a big stomach and skinny legs.”

Lesson #15: It’s very difficult to assess someone’s physique when they’re wearing dress clothes. For the record, I was about 180 at 11% body fat (as measured on a DEXA scan, which doesn’t inflate results like other commonly used methods) at the time of the seminar, and it was about three weeks after I’d pulled 601 at 164 in competition. If you understood the demands of powerlifting, you’d realize that it’s silly for me to get too lean, as it’ll screw with my endocrine system and sap my strength. Given your “natural” status, Hugo, I would have thought that you’d be well versed in how a non-assisted lifter has to manipulate the endocrine system for optimal progress.

Also, I thought all the powerlifters you know have big asses? You know me; how can I have a big ass and skinny legs? Isn’t my ass part of my legs?

16. “You can lift a lot of weight, but lifting heavy doesn’t really mean much if you are not a competitive power lifter.”

Lesson #16: The most successful bodybuilders are also really damn strong. Ronnie Coleman credits a lot of his success to the foundation he built as a powerlifter. Think about it this way…who is going to have more stimulus for growth: a guy benching 225 for eight reps, or a guy benching 315 for eight reps? You can’t have strength endurance if you don’t have strength.

17. “To my surprise you were bulky and fat, over developed traps, imbalanced pecs to back proportion, distended abs, skinny legs”.

Lesson #17: Pay attention, folks: when you really want to get under a powerlifter’s skin, be sure to call him out on his overdeveloped traps and pec-back balance. I’ve already started to see a therapist to get over this one.

18. “I guess that must be the look that power lifters must like.”

Lesson #18: Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but powerlifters tend to look like powerlifters. Likewise, the basketball players I train tend to be tall; they look like basketball players. The hockey guys are missing teeth; they look like hockey players. And the models that I’ve trained? Well, they have great breasts; it absolutely kills their pecs to back proportion, but we manage to get by.

I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m willing to bet that my powerlifter “look” might actually be a protective adaptation that occurs in response to lifting a crapload of weight over a prolonged amount of time. Don’t take my word for it, though; I’m just a book smart geek with no symmetry.

19. “For me I am interested in having a bodybuilders physique. Do you know of anyone who bodybuilds that you could recommend that I get in touch with.”

Lesson #19: Perhaps you should check with your other identity/father; he sure seems to know a lot about bodybuilding.

20. “I am 24 and haven’t played football in years and don’t want to train like a football player. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.”

Lesson #20: Do not read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” backwards. It’s never a good idea to insult someone before you ask them for a favor.

How Hugo is Helping Me

As I mentioned, I gain nothing by replying to these emails; doing so would cost me money and distract me from what’s important in my life. I have, however, made lemonade out of rotten lemons.

You see, Hugo, your email gave me subject matter for an article. That article will bring unique readers into my network. They’ll sign up for my newsletter, buy my DVD and manual, and support the sites for which I write. This gives me a loyal following, immediate income, and job security, respectively.

In turn, I can devote more time and money to continuing education and traveling to train with great lifters. This will expand my knowledge base and enable me to bring in more clients, write more articles and books, and speak at more seminars – thus spreading my philosophy further throughout the industry. You’ll have that much more asymmetrical, distended, big-assed, rubber-freakin’-band-using, sarcastic Eric Cressey propaganda standing in the way of the “essence” of bodybuilding, as you call it.

So, Hugo Faulkurself, the joke’s on you. And the Smith machine still sucks.

About the Author

Eric Cressey is a performance enhancement specialist at Excel Sport and Fitness Training in Waltham, Massachusetts. He takes pride in the fact that he looks like a powerlifter and has absolutely no symmetry. His pec tie-ins are probably subpar, and he wouldn’t know a striated glute from decade-old piece of beef jerky. Nonetheless, women in the Greater Boston area love his distended abs, distorted traps, and big ass. In spite of his genetic inferiority, Eric somehow manages to publish a free weekly newsletter at his site, www.EricCressey.com. Assuming you’re not genetically superior and into Smith machines, you’ll probably like it.

Adding Insult to Injury fFor Hugo

Here’s what we’re going to do to make these even better, folks.

First, I want you to forward this to a friend or two. Encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and pass the link along to their friends. Let’s make sure that there are LOADS more people out there who can piss Hugo off.

Second, in appreciation of your spreading of the word, for the next 48 hours, I’m going to give 15% off The Ultimate Off-Season Training Manual to everyone who clicks through the following link:

http://www.1shoppingcart.com/app/adtrack.asp?AdID=265220

What’s better, though, is that for every manual sold, I’m going to donate $10 to the Boston Medical Center.  One of my training clients will be running the Boston Marathon in the spring to raise money for this charity, so all proceeds will go directly to Boston Medical Center.  I’ll report back next week with the results of these donations.  If any of you would like to make a donation of your own in Hugo’s honor, drop me an email at ec@ericcressey.com after you do so and we’ll add your number to the pool and give you some love in Newsletter #28.  In the “My gift is in honor of” section, just type in “Steph B’s Marathon fundraising efforts.”  Thanks to everyone in advance; this is a great cause.

Have a great week!

EC