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The School of Hard Nipples

Written on April 24, 2007 at 2:21 pm, by Eric Cressey

In light of my recent appearance on the front page of Boston.com and the City/Region section of the Boston Globe, I’ve received literally thousands of inquiries (or at least a half-dozen from sarcastic buddies*) – all asking the same question:

What does it take to be the nipple guy?

It seems only fitting to set the record straight once and for all – and this appears to be the best place to do it. Being a professional nipple model might seem like a cushy job, but in reality, it takes careful planning, smart training, years of dedication, and a hint of luck. To that end, here are my secrets for optimal nipple performance (my how-to manual will be available in the Spring of 2008):

1. Careful climate control – A steady temperature of 60-62°F is considered “on point” (pun intended). A common misconception is that slightly chilling nipples will optimize tissue texture, but in reality, dipping into the 50s increases the risk of nipple failure by over 77% both chronically (chaffing) and acutely (spontaneous rupture). And, obviously, increasing room temperature is a recipe for lifeless nipples – clearly not what a photographer wants.

2. Appropriate attire – As you can probably tell, I’m rocking the Dri-Fit™ technology from the good folks at Nike. From Nike.com: “This high-performance microfiber polyester fabric actually pulls sweat away from the body and transports it to the fabric surface – where it evaporates and leaves the skin cool and dry. It’s all you need for hot days, and a critical base layer for cold days. Stay dry. Stay comfortable. No matter what.”

A cool, dry, comfortable nipple is a nipple that performs at a high-level – even with national level publications. Remember that, rookies. Taking care of your nipples in this “biz” is like watching over your feet in the jungle. No matter what.

3. Training to reduce the bilateral nipple deficit (BLND) – In the world of resistance training, we encounter what is known as the bilateral deficit (BLD). We generally cannot produce as much total force when both limbs are working simultaneously as we can when the limbs work separately, and the resulting forces are combined (think of bilateral curls vs. unilateral curls). The BLD is simply the difference between these two figures.

The more inexperienced the lifter, the greater the BLD. I’ve found this to be true with respect to unilateral versus bilateral nipple recruitment as well, and have trained accordingly. The more unilateral nipple training I’ve done – one-arm dumbbell bench presses, unilateral nipple cryotherapy, and one-arm inverted cable wobble board semi-supinated front raises (functional nipple training) – the more versatile my nipple repertoire has become.

The take-home message for those of you at home is that specificity once again reigns supreme; if you want your nipples to perform at a high-level unilaterally, you have to train them one at a time. My extensive research on the subject matter has clearly demonstrated that professional nipple performers have a smaller BLND than their amateur counterparts. This allows them to adapt on the fly – as when a client’s head is obstructing view of one-half of the diamond-cutting duo.

4. Picking the right parents – Sometimes, children are just born with that X-Factor. For some, it’s height – and they go on to play in the NBA. Or, it’s a beautiful voice – and they go on to become singers. I, apparently, was fortunate enough to be blessed with the sixth sense that enables me to train an athlete and be milked simultaneously. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for your willingness to live so close to power lines and eat paint chips every night for dinner during Mom’s pregnancy with me.

To all the up-and-comers, remember that if you aren’t cutting glass, you aren’t busting your ass!

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4 Responses to “The School of Hard Nipples”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Well done. I laughed through the whole thing. The knowledge combined with humor always makes you a great read.

  2. Kafflarve Says:

    very intresting

  3. unallulse Says:

    hm. amazing..

  4. Brett Says:

    I just wet myself reading this at work… how embarassing…

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