Written on April 1, 2009 at 4:19 pm, by Eric Cressey
(note: this post is sarcastic; don’t take me too seriously)
There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes that mediocre just isn’t going to get it done. He wakes up in the morning, sleep-walks through the day, and then comes home – only to fall asleep and do it all over again. There just isn’t something that makes him want to jump out of his seat and bust a move to the music of life!
(let it be known that this kid has an invitation to be a fully-covered Cressey Performance scholarship athlete)
Not everybody has rhythm like this dude. So, the rest of us have to look elsewhere to find the mojo that defines our destiny. Think about some of the greatest television men of our generation…
MacGyver could blow stuff up with just paperclips and a teaspoon of barbeque sauce. Chicks dug him.
George Constanza always found the best parking space available. Always. Chicks dug him.
If you really think about it, it comes down to skills. As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “You know, like nunchaku skills, bow-hunting skills, computer-hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.”
Now, here’s a life lesson that is going to be a harsh dose of reality for some of you. There’s a very good chance that you aren’t good at anything. Seriously, you might not have any skills period – and certainly hardly enough to distinguish you from the guy next to you.
You’re talking to an optimist, though, so I’m not going to dwell on what you do poorly. Instead, I’m going to help you to look elsewhere to get ahead in the world. And, that alternative is Cressey Performance’s “Girls Will Want to Make Out with You” Majestic Fleece, which is now available for pre-order.
This is the same kind of fleece that your favorite major league baseball teams wear, and with it, you’ll be able to pick up girls like you’re a reliever throwing out pick-up lines from the bullpen. In fact, recent clinical trials have found that wearing CP gear instantly increases one’s awesomeness by 57%.
These fleeces also protect against sunburns, and can be used as pillows, parachutes, and protective equipment for trapping furry woodland creatures. These fleeces have changed the lives of countless individuals. Brian St. Pierre is one such individual:
I couldn’t have said it (or read it) better myself, Brian. Amen, brother.
From now through next Wednesday only, you can pre-order one of these fleeces for just $54.99 plus shipping. At checkout, let us know if you want a medium, large, or extra-large.
PS – In case you’re wondering, these fleeces won’t shrink up in the wash – or at the awesome pool parties to which you’ll be invited thanks to your newfound awesomeness.
You know, I have actually been to a pool with a bunch of Indians, and that’s pretty much what it looks like. Everybody jumping around awkwardly, wondering if they should or shouldn’t take off their shirts…and nary a woman to be found anywhere in the vicinity.
Are you kidding me? This is what you guys do as a job? When are you opening up a few new locations so i can do nothing but create videos of myself being a complete meat head pushing around sleads and dancing after i bench press?
April 1st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
EC-
I am thinking Coach is going to get a new fleece…provided that he uses good behavior this week!
🙂 Jennifer
April 1st, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Thanks, now I need to go clean the particles of food out of my keyboard.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Not really sure if the whole, “girls will want to make out with you” sales pitch is going to work for the V Club clientele.
And St. Pierre still looks like a sissy when sipping his tea.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
You know, I have actually been to a pool with a bunch of Indians, and that’s pretty much what it looks like. Everybody jumping around awkwardly, wondering if they should or shouldn’t take off their shirts…and nary a woman to be found anywhere in the vicinity.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
How much for the white “wife beater” Brett Myers special tank tops in the bottom video?
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Are you kidding me? This is what you guys do as a job? When are you opening up a few new locations so i can do nothing but create videos of myself being a complete meat head pushing around sleads and dancing after i bench press?
April 6th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Eric: how do you find these youtube videos? OMG… you kill me!